


Weight of Living

by bearonthecouch



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Best Friends, Gen, Injured Riza Hawkeye, Long-Distance Friendship, Post-Ishval
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 05:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17975360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearonthecouch/pseuds/bearonthecouch
Summary: “I'm -”“I swear, Hawkeye, if you try to tell me you're fine, I'm taking the next train to Central.”





	Weight of Living

**Author's Note:**

> "All that you desired since you were a child was to be old.  
> Now that you are here, suddenly you fear you've lost control.  
> Do you like the person you've become?"  
> \- Bastille, Weight of Living Pt. 2

“Hello,” Catalina's bright and cheerful voice made Riza smile, even over the phone.

“Hi, Becca.”

There was silence for a moment. Riza could picture the furrow between her best friend's eyebrows, and the way she was certainly looping the phone cord around her index finger as she worried.

“What happened?” Rebecca demanded.

“What makes you think something happened?”

“You sound like shit, Ri! You sound like you're hungover. And I know you. You're not hungover.”

“I'm -”

“I swear, Hawkeye, if you try to tell me you're fine, I'm taking the next train to Central.”

“Okay,” Riza said, and she sighed heavily.

And Catalina grinned, because 'okay' sounded almost accepting. “You miss me, Ri?” Riza didn't answer, but she didn't really have to. “Do you _want_ me to get on a train to Central?” Rebecca asked, with uncharacteristic seriousness.

“You don't have to do that.”

“Do you want me to?”

Riza's silence was the clearest 'yes' imaginable. If she'd wanted to say 'no,' she would've, in no uncertain terms. But asking for help was still beyond her capabilities.

Rebecca knew that plenty of soldiers went to war and came back broken. But she couldn't imagine Riza falling into that category. Whatever was going on, it was something different. “I'll see you tomorrow night. Don't wait up.”

She hung up before Riza could protest or change her mind, leaving Riza staring at the heavy black receiver, now transmitting only a dial tone.

Hawkeye hung up the phone, listening to the click as it situated itself on its cradle. She scrubbed her closed eyes with the heels of her hands, and then took a deep breath and opened them again. It took only a few steps for her feet to carry her into her tiny kitchen. She took down an empty glass and filled it with water, because the concept of making tea felt unnecessarily daunting. She carried the glass to the card table and mismatched chairs that made up a dining room that took up half of her apartment's limited space.

Elbows on the table, head in her hands, trying to breathe. She was trying to wean herself off the painkillers that Roy had almost certainly stolen. She didn't ask. But it was still another crime added to her tally. _You deserve it_ , she reminded herself. _And you asked._

She wore a light loose-fitting shirt, the kind that she usually wore for PT or downtime in Ishval. It barely brushed against her skin, and it still felt too heavy. The bandages taped over the worst of the burns itched, and the few times she'd tried instinctively to scratch at it, the pain brought tears to her eyes. Even sitting against the back of her chair is too much pressure, so she perches on it instead, gulping down the metal-flavored tap water of Central City.

When her cup was empty, she stripped down, crawling into bed wearing only her underwear and the bandages taped over her still-healing wounds. It took her a long time to fall asleep. Her dreams haunted her – mothers screaming as their children died in their arms, fire that burned her to ash this time, the time she'd burned herself on the stove when she was six, her mother's singing. Her father's esoteric mumbling as he tortured her with the same tattoo that kept her awake now.

She almost rolled over onto her back and caught herself just in time. There was no going back to sleep now, though. If she'd actually slept at all, which she was not at all sure about.

It took her longer than it should've to get dressed, with her teeth clenched against the pain that was too strong to be merely annoying, and not strong enough that she was comfortable letting it prevent her from living her life. She didn't feel like explaining to her commanding officer why she needed time in the infirmary when she was nowhere near combat. The much-extended weekend she'd taken at Roy's insistence was already too much.

So she took a run around Central Command's sprawling base, before the sun even came up, and she spent the rest of her day shifting paperwork around, until she finished her shift and went home nearly crying from the weight of pain and exhaustion. She could hold it in when she had to, when she couldn't afford being seen as weak or girlish. But at her own front door, fumbling the key into the lock, she could allow her throat to tighten and tears to fall and her back to just _hurt._ She pushed open the door.

Rebecca Catalina was sitting on her couch.

“Holy shit, Ri.” Before Riza could open her mouth, Rebecca grabbed her hand and pulled her to the couch. “Sit,” she demanded. So Riza sat.

Catalina made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, changed Riza's bed linens, and did not ask questions, which made Riza's heart surge with trust and hope, and maybe even love.

“I'll stay as long as you want.”

Riza nodded. She slept easier with Rebecca on the couch just outside of her opened bedroom door. Her friend watched her with deep concern as she made breakfast, but she still didn't ask. She just stuck close to Riza, let her presence be enough. “You know, there're a ton of openings in East. Your record? All you'd have to do is ask.”  
  
“I know,” Riza replied, as she slid a plate of jam on toast across the table. “But I'm not ready yet.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr](http://bearonthecouch.tumblr.com)


End file.
